If it looks like a duck . . . .

According to two dermatologists, my sagging skin looked like, walked like and quacked like slack skin disease, but a closer look under the microscope revealed that I'm not that rare of a duck.

The biopsy reports show that the skin does NOT have T-cell lymphoma or any kind of cancer. The skin condition is definitely "abnormal" and Dr. Chang is still on the case trying to figure out why circumscribed areas resemble an aging elephant. He's requested several more tests to try to solve the mystery.

This, of course, is great news for many reasons, after the obvious "I don't have two forms of cancer." Could I have handled the pressure of being one in a billion or would I have turned into an insufferable "disease diva"? Here are a few of the demands I no doubt would have made:

• Provide six weeks of private sessions with a Pilates instructor before any photographs are taken for medical journals. (God forbid that photos of the bod generate as many "ughs" as the disease being photographed.)
  

• Hire Annie Leibovitz, not the attending physician, to take the photos.
  

• Incorporate an exotic background, such as a waterfall, or exotic animals, such as cheetahs or elephants, into the photo shoot. Avoid clinical locations like doctor's offices and labs.
  

• Stock the waiting room of doctor's offices with potato balls from Porto's.