Minimize, Maximize, Equalize

I've often heard that the worst thing to do to a person with a serious illness is to "minimize" the disease or the emotions associated with coping with it.

I'm happy to report that this has not been the case for me. As a matter of fact, if anything, my friends have been guilty of "maximizing" the issue. After I returned from "round one" at City of Hope, I was surprised at how often friends pulled their punches when describing their problems and issues. I often heard an apologetic, "I shouldn't even be sharing this with you because it pales compared to what you're going through" or "I don't want to stress you out, but. . ."

The most extreme case of minimizing personal problems and maximizing mine came from a woman who was on my GirlTalk committee at the Pasadena YWCA. She called to discuss moving forward on an idea for promoting an anti-bullying program. I asked her to call the Y's executive director and went on to explain my health circumstances.

She began to share with me her own personal health challenges, but stopped herself midstream and offered an apology for "burdening" me while I was going through something so serious. As it turned out, she was recovering from a long bout with meningitis. I was grateful that I knew something about the serious challenges of this disease because my friend Tara, who had just visited from Virginia, went through a year from hell with meningitis.

But, in spite of the very serious challenges and fears, in some ways, my friend Tara had it lucky. She had a husband to support her financially, emotionally and physically. My Y friend is a single mom, so she had no choice but to continue working through severe pain and emotional agony during the worst of her meningitis. And she was (and is) alone in the rigors of raising a pre-teen daughter. Worst of all, doctors were guilty of minimizing her illness, assuming it couldn't be that bad if she was getting up and going to work every day. She still suffers daily with chronic pain and sleepless nights and cannot find relief from pain medications.

I felt humbled because I know this woman is a conscientious employee and devoted mother. And yet she was still making time to pursue an issue she felt passionate about.

Another friend, who is good about checking in for a chat every week, apologetically described her stressful week, which included bullying in her workplace, a trip to the emergency room and the sudden, accidental death of a neighbor. By comparison, my stress-free week at home was like a mini vacation.

But comparison is where we get into the most trouble. Not when we have the "aha" moments and realize that we don’t have it so bad compared to millions of others with worse problems and struggles. The trouble comes when we compare and come to the conclusion that OUR problems are worse.

I was guilty of doing exactly that while reading Cancer Vixen, a brilliant graphic memoir by Marisa Acocella Marchetto, a cartoonist whose work has appeared in the New Yorker and the New York Times. She’s a self-described "shoe-crazy, lipstick-obsessed, wine-swilling, pasta-slurping, fashion-fanatic, single-forever, about-to-get-married big-city girl cartoonist with a fabulous life" who finds out she has a lump in her breast.

I couldn’t turn the pages fast enough as I laughed and cried through Marisa’s graphic depiction of her life.

And then three quarters of the way through the book, I found out that Marisa’s breast cancer was localized, stage one. I actually put the book down and thought, “All of this drama over stage one?”

And then I immediately had to deal with the guilt of copping a judgmental attitude about someone else’s very real struggles and emotions. Those have nothing to do with the size of the lump or the staging of the cancer.

When we compare and come to the conclusion that our problems are worse, we leave ourselves wide open for a pity party. Worse yet, we loose the ability to empathize and connect with others. And that's what makes life worth living.

Please keep on sharing with me stories about your challenging children, your frustrating husbands, your bout with the flu, your crazy-making clients and editors, your unrequited loves, your unfulfilling jobs, your disobedient dogs or WHATEVER else is frustrating or challenging you. And do it without apology! I promise that I won't minimize, maximize or compare with my own life.