Are We Having Fun Yet? (Losing and Finding 25 Pounds)

I just read that Beyonce had a blast packing on 20 extra pounds for a film role as Etta James. (Losing the 20 was not nearly as fun.)

Altadena Hiker, recently fantasized on her blog about how she would go about gaining 25 pounds. (Hilarous!)

I, on the other hand, have not been having fun at all in my quest for fat, or the "Booty or Bust" tour as I like to call it. I count calories and chastise myself at the end of the day if I've fallen short of my 2,500 calorie goal. I research the most calorie-dense foods. I devour 12" Philly cheese steak subs with a side of onion rings because of the weight gain potential, not for a love of the meal . I slurp thick chocolate milkshakes with the same enthusiasm that I use to chug the Berry Barium cocktails in preparation for a CT scan. It's a job.

Food was beginning to bore me. A chocolate milkshake was no longer a treat. It was fun to splurge on a pastrami sandwich once a quarter, but it loses its attraction when it becomes a weekly staple. I felt like those listless "researchers" in the Las Vegas.com commercials. I was consumed by culinary ennui.

Worst of all, in spite of my marathon eating sessions, I was continuing to lose, not gain weight, at an alarming rate.

And then I had a revelation. In my quest for curves, I had completely abandoned the way I like to eat. You see, I had developed the healthy eating habits of a naturally thin person. I like fresh, simply prepared foods, like Tuscan greens and beans. I'm currently craving roasted cauliflower with garlic and Italian parsley. My favorite breakfast is Greek yogurt with fresh fruit, orange zest and a squeeze of honey. The problem is that I can't gain weigh on a diet like this.

Now I've gone back to eating the foods that really excite me and I supplement with lots of my favorite high-calorie treats. I still have my beloved yogurt and berries for breakfast, but I pair the healthy stuff with a toasted bagel and high-fat cream cheese or a bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran with milk and banana.

I'll eat a huge plate of beans and greens for lunch, but then I'll indulge in my favorite snack - potato chips with Ranch dip. I was just reading some old blog posts when I was struggling to gain weight in February. I wrote that I didn't want to resort to gaining weight by stuffing myself with chips and dip. Now I'm thinking, "Why not?"

Chips and dips and I go way back. When I first started dating George almost 30 years ago, I was hanging out at his apartment before he got home from the firm. I was lying on the bed, comforting myself with a giant bag of chips and a bowl of dip. Then I heard the front door open. Before George could yell out, "Honey, I'm home," I had stashed the evidence under the bed, wiped the dip off my mouth and brushed the chip crumbs off the sheets.

But now, I don't need to be a closet chip and dip eater. I can openly indulge, and I do. I've been ordering my groceries through Vons.com and got these two super-size bags for $5.00. With the tub of dip, you're looking at a potential two pound weight gain.

The secret of my success

For a higher brow indulgence, I head to Julienne's in San Marino. I love their rosemary currant parmesan toasts ($7.50 for a small bag), but only purchase them for guests, never just for myself. Now that's just wrong. I popped in yesterday and ate 3/4 of the bag of decadent, butter-and-parmesan-drenched toasts before I pulled into our driveway. I also picked up a container of their Vidalia onion dip and, in a nod to my healthy half, a fresh corn cilantro salsa.

Why wait for a party to indulge in my favorite foods?

My new strategy is working. I'm in love with food again. I'm purusing food blogs and experimenting in the kitchen. I'm nurturing my body with healthy foods, but I'm enjoying my high-fat indulgences. I've stopped counting calories and started gaining weight.

And I'm channeling the soulful Etta James with every bite of luscious food, imagining that it will eventually lead to a body with her sensuous, womanly curves.