Hyper CVAD, Hyperactivity

I was beginning to think that the "hyper" in the recommended protocol - Hyper CVAD - stood for the hyperactive, frenetic activity that patients engage in BEFORE the procedure. I felt strong and alive as I skipped from the consultation room to the parking lot at the City of Hope. After lunch in Old Pasadena and an impromptu shopping trip for prom dresses for Cindy, I dove into a marathon six-hour researching spree.

Today, I continued in hyper mode - getting quotes to repaint the upstairs bedrooms, living room and dining room; going in to the office to tie up a thousand loose ends; investigating the quickest way to get a second opinion from the esteemed MD Anderson Cancer Center. The list goes on.

But halfway through the day, I hit a wall. For the first time since visiting my general practitioner in early January, a feeling of overwhelming sadness and fear swept over me. Sadness for the things I'll miss in the next few months, especially related to Cindy. Fear of what lies ahead. Sadness for the brave "cellmates" who have lost their lives in spite of a valiant fight. Fear that I'll be one of them.

When I'm feeling strong emotions, I always think of the words of Gudrun, a dean of students at an emotional growth boarding school that Cindy attended. "Your feelings are your feelings." (Note to those who don't know Gudrun: You must say this statement veeth a heavy German accent.) Feelings are neither good nor bad, justified nor unjustified, rational nor irrational.

With this in mind, I didn't try to suppress my feelings. I let them and the tears come to the surface. Then I remembered the follow-up question to Gudrun's statement. "What are you going to choose to do with your feelings?" I could choose to stuff them deep down and pretend they don't exist. I could isolate and withdraw from those who want to support me. I could turn the sadness and fear to anger and take it out on others.

My choice? To talk, to share and accept the support and comfort of others. Thank you all for your unwavering love and support.