What's Worse Than a Root Canal?

How did a root canal become synonymous with the most excruciating, dreaded experience imaginable?

Several years ago, when my dentist was replacing a crown, he suddenly announced, "We have to do a root canal." I didn't have time to fret, and, to my surprise, it wasn't half bad. Not an afternoon at the Kabuki Spa, but not unpleasant.

I'd always imagined that a spinal tap (aka lumbar puncture) could make a root canal seem like a pedicure. In junior high school, I read a novel that described the procedure and the preteen patient's reaction in gruesome, horrific detail. I remember closing my eyes and saying a silent prayer that I could live my entire life without the experience.

It was not to be. Two weeks ago, I learned that a spinal tap was the only way that we could determine if the lymphoma has spread to my central nervous system. I'd been worried about the intermittent tingling sensation in the right side of my face and the droopy corner of my mouth. My doctor was concerned about the proximity of my eye tumor to the brain.

Two friends assured me there was really nothing to it. "Like a bee sting," wrote my friend Tara. "It didn't hurt," commented my friend Lillli. (And she did it WITHOUT anasthesia.)

Just the same, I wasn't taking any chances and asked for conscious sedation. The physican's assistant told me that she recalled only two cases when this was used: with a down syndrome's boy and a very young girl. I felt like a big wimp, swallowed hard and decided to go drug-free.

Before Dr. Wong injected the Lidacane (local anasthesia), she joked, "Here comes the bee sting." Tara was right - one tiny ouch. The rest of the procedure was painless. As the fluid drained from my spinal cord, I unclenched my fists and started to think of pleasant things: The heartwarming blog comments, emails and phone calls. The note from Suzie, my best friend from college, about getting her daughter Kira together with "Cin Bin" (my daughter's toddlerhood nickname). The stew that was waiting for me in my refrigerator. The possibility of shopping at Nordstrom's on the way home. Before I knew it, the procedure was over. Dr. Wong congratulated me on being a "good patient," and I half expected her to pull out a lollypop.

My friend Janet stayed and chatted while I laid flat on my back for two hours in the recovery room. Emeril and Rachel Ray chopped and sauteed on the TV in the background. The two hours flew by. My husband and I ate the delicious stew when I returned home. Cin Bin came home and told me about her job interview. All in all, it was a pretty pleasant afternoon and evening. Not an afternoon at Kabuki Spa, but pretty darned close.

My question for you: What really IS worse than a root canal? It's certainly not a spinal tap. Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

Tests, Tests, and More Tests

For the uninitiated, here's a brief description of the preparation required for the tests I've been enduring over the last two weeks:

CT SCAN: Preparation includes ingesting a quart of bromide cocktail from 6:30 am until an hour before the scan. I recommend serving the RediCat berry bromide chilled in a martini glass. But skip the olive. Feather boa and candy cigarettes are optional. This one was easy.

PET SCAN: Preparation includes calling the airline for a special meal because we're flying back from Hawaii and I can only eat protein and broccoli after 5 pm the night before the procedure. The Atavan knocked me out cold and I don't remember a thing.

BONE MARROW BIOPSY: Preparation includes reading posts on the mantle celll lymphoma listserve, calling the doctor to request Atavan and Demerol, calling my friend Melanie (a nurse in the bone marrow transplant department) for more information and encouragement, hyperventilating while trying to visualize the process, and talking endlessly about my anxiety levels to my husband George and daughter Cindy.

SPINAL TAP: This is also known as lumbar puncture, but the word "puncture" makes my head light. Preparation is pretty much the same as for the bone marrow biopsy above. The test is Thursday, February 29, so I'll report later on the results.